Overwhelmed = Anxiousness

One of the reasons or habits that I had, was I would drink when I was overwhelmed (which then I wouldn’t accomplish the things that were overwhelming me and they would pile up, like yard work or doing household chores) but in the moment drinking allowed me to escape.  Quite regularly the items on my list would never get done. Thus kicking in the anxiety, it became a vicious circle.

I know have a white board and I schedule my days, being a very spontaneous person this is a tough exercise for me but it’s also one that has allowed me to keep busy, keep on track, schedule in things and not forget things.  All in all since I started this in September it works!  Also not everything gets done, but if I start to get bored I look at things I need to do or what I haven’t been doing (like meditation or my yoga, or connecting with people)

One thing can still overwhelm daily at that is Dinner.  Dinner has to be thought of long in advance, especially if you have a family and work outside of the home.  If you are trying to mix it up ( we sometimes are so tired of chicken) , you have to find recipes (anyone else ever get sucked into Pinterest so far you end up looking at elixirs for my cat) , then you have to have all the ingredients (or if you are like me, most of the main ones (who owns Onion Powder?)  then you get home start to chop, prep, marinade and all of a sudden it’s like 730 and everyone is screaming because they are all hangry.  Including me!  Dinner can be one overwhelming task.  Or end up being processed  and I’m not a fan of processed foods regularly, or boring because I keep serving the same thing.  Thank goodness no one in my family has allergies or I’d have killed them long ago, with my cooking.

So years ago I tried meal planning with my husband, well that didn’t go well.  So in September when I got my white board I started meal planning.  And I do make it interchangeable as I said I’m a spontaneous person and I may not feel like what I had planned on Monday on Monday.  I try and grocery shop once maximum twice a week (to save money and time).  Friday would come around though and I wouldn’t feel like cooking so I started to put together Favourite Friday Recipes that are tried tested and true and easy.  In my house you can pretty much count on one of my FFR’s, so we don’t end up ordering in pizza, that doesn’t leave any of us super thrilled with (I make kick ass pizza).  This way I am not overwhelmed, we are not eating crap.

Overwhelm, even with dinners & every day tasks can bring on my anxiety, I notice my breath gets shallow and I can feel an elevated sense of urgency that is not good for my sobriety.  So alleviating the overwhelmingness in my life today and planning has all helped.

If you would like a copy of my Favourite Friday Recipes (FFR’s), which you can make any day.

Leave your name and email below I will be sending them out on Tuesdays for 4 weeks. (it also includes ways to bulk up the recipes if you have hungry hungry families to feed)

Thinking About Drinking

So after 4  1/2 months I rarely think about drinking anymore, my cravings have pretty much subsided, not completely but most Fridays and Saturdays and Wednesdays, and Mondays and Tuesdays and Sunday brunches are now liveable and I get through the day without thinking about drinking.  I try and reward myself with experiences (not material items) in my sobriety.  I don’t count the days, but I do have a general idea of how long it has been.

Just before the 4 months mark I was driving down the road and thought about how I wanted to celebrate 4 months and my first thought was doing “shots” WTF.  First I’m not a shooter girl very often second I don’t drink anymore.  I did start to laugh at myself.  It wasn’t a craving but a natural habit.  I also have thought more than once about drinking while I was driving (what’s up with that?)

I was speaking to a girl today who’s worried about her wedding because weddings mean champagne (we were laughing she doesn’t even have a boyfriend) .

Celebration to me means alcohol, I decide it is time to find a new word other than celebrate, but I’m also not the fan of the word  “marking the date”  (sounds funeralish)

I looked up Celebration in the thesaurus, it gave me things like bash, blowout, spree, remembrance,gala, festivity, frolic, party, triumph, hoopla, wingding (wth)

But what did stand out to me was the word HONOURING.

I think I want to honour my sobriety I am so grateful for it, that honouring seems to be a befitting word. I am so grateful for my sobriety I don’t want to celebrate it, I’ve done enough celebrating in my life, I want to honour it.  I feel like my sobriety is so sacred so incredibly powerful.

Here’s to another amazingly sober day!

Christina

 

 

 

 

Overly Sensitive or Awake Now

So a few things have been coming to light, I never viewed myself as a sensitive person in fact I would describe myself more as a hard ass than sensitive, (I’ve been called Gemma – as in the matriarch from Sons of Anarchy gulp) I don’t think I’m that hard.    I’ve always had to be tough though, since I left home I put myself into situations that I shouldn’t have, I dated the wrong for me guys, I have partied myself financially destitute, I’ve been a single mom, I have always had a strong work ethic so I’ve worked 2 or 3 jobs to get ahead, I ensured that we always lived in a great neighbourhood.  I’ve been strong and I have ugly cried.

Now I am sober, I feel that I’m being oversensitive, maybe I always was but numbed it,  as I am watching this journey of emotions it’s very very intriguing to me to explore what is going on.

Three things today happened:

  1. I was sitting at the front door and my husband barged in front of me, trying to get out the front door , kinda of tilting me over and I barked at him that everything was always about him.  Then my eyes welled up, as our marriage is not good as it is.  I started to explore this was this me being sensitive or me becoming aware that his behaviour is quite rude.
  2. I was having coffee with a girlfriend today who is also in sobriety, first I was happy that I was able to stand up to her and say no ( she had wanted me to drive a long way out of my way to meet her at 1:30 because she had Christmas shopping to do in a certain part of the city that is crazy busy)  We compromised on a later time and a coffee shop near both our houses.  Not once did she ask about my life or sobriety.  The only thing she said was “your rocking it” I said yes everything is going well.  I didn’t tell her anything about anything.  The entire conversation revolved  about her and her life and sobriety.  I left her feeling empty and had tears in my eyes I spent an hour with her of my precious time.  I was feeling very aware here.
  3. I met up with another friend to give her, her Christmas Card and give her a hug as she is heading to a Recovery Home for 90 days and I can’t see her for 30 days, we talked about everything my life, her life the changes, everything.  I left after 20 mins feeling so proud of her for doing this and so fulfilled and tears in my eyes,  tears of joy and how much I’m going to miss her.  So sensitive and awake.

I am so aware now of people and their actions, I know I cannot control them, just my reaction towards them.  I leave today feeling bewildered three very different situations and so much sensitivity and feelings around all of them, pondering my part in them all.  Human behaviour is so very complex.

Have you been more sensitive and awake to others behaviour and situations in your sobriety?

Grateful for another sober day.

Christina

 

 

 

Cardio and Recovery

Cardio it’s the one thing both times that I have been sober longer than 2-3 weeks at a time, I have put in cardio.  I have a love for weightlifting and have for over 5 years but I found even during drinking the days if moved my body doing cardio for over 30 mins,  it has helped subside cravings and I was less likely to drink.  I was also less likely to drink on the nights that I knew I was going to run/spin in the morning.    I like to run but also Spinning (which I discovered a love for about a year and a half ago) and since it’s indoors that works for this time of year. It’s also easier on the joints and body.   I typically burn between 4-600 calories in 45 mins it’s a great workout.  I spin now 3 days a  week.   I usually run on the tread mill for a warm up before weights, so I will do a couple of miles.  In the spring and summer months I take the run outside, but for now I’m a treadmill runner.

Try it, allow yourself to be a beginner, don’t hurt yourself by deciding to go on a 5 mile run ( or worse run on icy roads) or a 25 km bike ride (this will just be a discouragement.) Join a running group, go to a spin class, take a kickboxing, crossfit, rowing, or body pump class.  (Always check with your doctor first)

Cardio is a natural high, you get to a stage those endorphins kick in and the hangover is a natural glow. The soreness of muscles is painful but its a good sore.  When you start to see the benefits you want to do it again.  Your family/friends might complain that you go to the gym for an hour, it’s a habit i’m ok with being addicted to.

Happy Sober Fit Friday!

Christina

 

 

 

 

You Give Give Give & they Take Take Take

I love the holiday Christmas Season.  The lights, the cold nights, the free skating rink in our city, the Christmas Markets and craft fairs.  I love it all.  Unfortunately I have a family that does not, and some of my family in general does not wish to participate in events.  So I am alone and lonely and quite often hurt.

Last night was one of these times yet AGAIN.  Tuesday night a GF of mine blew me off and said she forgot we had plans then Wednesday morning,  I had asked my sons girlfriend to go to the Christmas Market and she had said yes, well at 5pm she said she wouldn’t be able to go ,she was off to the gym and would make her way to our house around 7pm and please save her dinner.

I then went and asked my son if he wanted to go he had a lame ass excuse of it’s a Wednesday night (I didn’t ask him to go clubbing till 4am) I asked him to the Christmas Market and lights at Canada Place. This is max a 2 hour event, like home by 8pm  so just an excuse.

My husband & I barely getting along so I don’t ask him anymore, being in public I dont’ want to argue & it’s too exhausting.

I was in tears again, my family has no desire to do anything with me, I have even had to decorate my tree alone.  It saddens me, I want that connection. I was so hurt.  I am also trying to learn my lesson, stop asking them.

As a mom you do things even when you don’t want to, like cleaning vomit, ensuring your child is always first before you,  stand on a socccer field in the wind and pouring sideways rain in November, go to Christmas concerts that never end, do laundry that you swore was just done but it ended up in the laundry again, cook nutritious meals even though you’d really like to just have cheese and crackers for dinner and call in a night, volunteer on the PTA’s, Lunch Committees, Grad Committees the list is endless as a mom and not that I didn’t enjoy it but sometimes I didn’t want to go.

So I have decided to enjoy this holiday season without them I want to go to the events, there is Christmas Carrolling duels tonight in Gastown, there is a Christmas Fair tomorrow night that I am going to, I also want to go ice skating and I’ll be damned if my Bah humbug of a family is going to make me feel so alone that I don’t go and enjoy the season I love.  I dry my tears and remember having family doesn’t guarantee happiness or not feeling lonely and I am going to go and love the holiday season!

 

LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE AND ENJOY!

CHRISTINA

 

 

 

 

Do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not?

I have been studying this a lot, do all relationships fail when one person gets sober and the other does not.   There has been a dramatic shift in my marriage!  When we started dating  about 8 years ago, drinking and eating was how our life revolved, dinner & drinks, brunch & drinks,  biking then to the pub for eats & drinks, going to the beach for food & drinks, going out to a concert & drinks, hanging with friends.  Well you know how that old saying goes you get into a relationship and you get fat, well guess what miss skinny mini here at the age of 39 started to pile on pounds 30 or 40 of them.  So I changed our eating habits to eating clean & there was backlash from my now husband, I was extreme with how much I ate, what we ate etc.  I started to cook at home no more eating out.  My partner was not happy, I actually gave up drinking at that time too ( too hard to get up in the morning and go to the gym when hungover and oh the calories) but I wasn’t trying for sobriety I was not drinking because of calories then I when I would drink I’d drink vodka & soda with lemon (I don’t even like it)

Fast forward 5 years and I start to look at my sobriety I have found balance with my food not extremism, but when I eat a hamburger with bun and fries it was going to be a damn good one.  My weight yoyo’ed  last year because I was drinking so heavily and feeling like shit, we didn’t go out as much our friends dwindled, we were heavily drinking together.  Long gone were the days of drinking and having great sex.  Now we usually ended up in screaming really dumb arguments. You know the ones, (One night I decided I  wanted to go to Haiti (the next day)  and help the earthquake victims and ended up throwing a wine glass across the yard because he was yelling how stupid that was ) when I say dumb fights I mean dumb arguments and just horrible.

Fast forward to last November 2016 when I decided to give up drinking because I knew our marriage was not going to make it, I felt like shit, looked like shit and was so overwhelmed I couldn’t take my lifestyle anymore.  He did not quit drinking even though he promised too. He told me repeatedly how I didn’t have a drinking problem, how he preferred me drinking (of course as now he was drinking alone)

I caved around January 25-27th don’t remember the exact date, we were sitting in the Caribbean having just gone for a long bike ride I ordered a beer and a cigarette.  I continued drinking for the rest of my holiday.  I thought I’ll just go back to not drinking when I get home, I got home and within 2 days was drinking with him.  And was so bored of it sitting in our house like 2 drunks most times arguing sometimes even arguing about sitting like 2 dumb drunks.  I tried to get sober again and again and again, this past year has been full of day ones and restarting.   The funny thing is once you start looking at sobriety, it tickles your mind.  I always felt guilty when hungover, and shameful, feeling like a failure and immense anger like why couldn’t I drink like a normal person or get sobriety.  Well I know the answer because nothing had changed, I hadn’t changed, In the summer I was still sitting on the back patio with him, and some friends kicking back the drinks (it is progressive.)  So I started to put in changes, seeking out groups, seeking out online recovery, dipping my toes into change.

Now after 4 months of sobriety as of tomorrow,  I have changed.  I have sober friends, I have a hobby of photography and scrapbooking, I do things (today I made a list of Christmas events going on in my city), I try new things, I have joined IRL sober groups,  I am working on a business, I am going to do my Yoga Teacher Training in January (that made me lose my breath admitting this out loud to the world), I go to the gym, I go to spin class, I go to Yoga, I meditate, my day is organized and I have purpose and when I don’t I rearrange my day and refocus.

He and I do nothing together he’s still sitting on the couch drinking, I invite him to things but he doesn’t want to do anything he’s too tired.  So unless it involves drinking he has no interest.

Where does that leave our marriage, I am in several sober online groups and have new sober IRL friends and none of their marriages are working out.

New marriages are working out, people that date normie’s (normal drinkers) or meet people that don’t drink or are sober too.  Also marriages that both got sober, but existing marriages where you drank together, not when one drinks already like a normie and the other is the raging drunk are all around me sinking like the Titanic.

At this stage I’m very unsure, my marriage is on very shaky ground it has been for a while.  Now there’s even a bigger divide, our common thread is gone.  I have changed, I wanted to change I needed to change and I’m on a journey of change.

Do existing marriages workout?  I’d love to hear your experiences!

Cheers a round of water for all!

Christina

Just Keep Going…

Update from Friday, as I mentioned I’ve had a tough October, sober but tough… I wanted to give an update from Friday, as Friday was a bitch I was happy & anxious and I wanted to drink to get rid of the anxiety and be happier than I already was.  I ended up going to bed and not really being able to sleep despite being tired so watched Netflix.   I did not drink though.

Saturday I guess what I did.   NOTHING that’s correct, I did NOTHING.  I had a shower I got dressed and I did NOTHING.  I have no idea the last time I did literally NOTHING,  mom’s/wives/girlfriends/ daughters/friends/workers (put your label in here) don’t do nothing. My son asked me to go to his g/f’s soccer game I said no.  My husband asked me to go to Costco I said no.  Remember No is a complete sentence.  I said NO to everything that day and it was one of the best things I could do for me.  I stayed in on this rainy October yucky day and literally laid around. I Let my husband do the groceries(that’s another story (no vegetables or fruit was bought) , let him do the cooking & my son do the clean up and when I say I did nothing I mean nothing.

Guess what I woke up Sunday and I felt really good.  I needed a break from life, I took one probably one that I needed so long ago.  So here is proof, when you are struggling through cravings, it will go away if you do not give in, I didn’t drink and I’m so beyond words glad I’m sober and stayed sober.  So do what you need to do to get through the cravings ( I paced around, I reached out online, I meditated, I watched Netflix) because Friday was bad but Sunday is good.

Sobriety can’t be bought it is earned nano second by nanosecond, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.  Earning something and working for it,  I appreciate it, I cherish it a little deeper.  Maybe even deeper than I did on the days it came easy.

A round of water for all!

Christina