I have been reading books about other peoples stories & how they got sober and they all seem to have one thing in common … “oh I felt like shit, saw the light prayed for a solution and got sober”. WOW that is not how my road to sobriety looked like at all. I have prayed, went to counselling, went to AA, cut off people, been willing and still ended up back at that bottle of wine.
In recovery it’s all about choices but there is a drive so deep that leads us addicts back to the bottle or drug of choice, what is that itch, any addict knows it. I call it an itch because that’s what mine is, its like a tingling in the back of my neck. That itch says a glass of wine won’t hurt, one cigarette will feel so good with that wine and then, the line to sober up is probably a good idea and all of a sudden it’s the next day. I would vow once again, while feeling like absolute crap, I will never drink again, and I meant it at the time. Then that itch would return in a week and I would need to scratch it.
People spoke to me about my drinking when I was in my early 20’s in my late 20’s and into my 30’s. I was not an every day drinker, but when I drank I was destructive to my life. I had no spirituality, though I wanted to and I made very very bad choices. I would get sober for 3-6 months and then boom back where I started. My road to recovery was not a straight path at all.
I have seen people with 1, 3 & even 12 years sober, drink again. I have seen good upstanding citizens go back and scratch that itch. No addict is beyond that. We all only live one day at a time. I don’t count my days (I didn’t count them drinking) I say thank you for my sobriety today, I have a sadhana practise that is part of every morning routine and today I live One Day at a Time and work on my sobriety.
If anyone is reading this and your path is not all glowy and rosy and a straight line, there are lots of us out there who didn’t get sober the 1st, 2nd, or 100th attempt.
Know you are not a failure and you are not alone.
Just never give up, giving up. EVER.